Failure Is An Experience, Not an Identity

FAILURE!!!!!!

Even the word makes us squirm. Right?

We hide it.

We fear it.

We avoid talking about it.

We celebrate success as if it appeared fully formed, while quietly editing out the missteps, disappointments, and failed attempts that came before it.

Failure is a part of being human.

Sometimes, if we are honest with ourselves we can see it coming. The plan is simply not working. We are repeating the same actions and expecting a different result. We have stopped listening to feedback. The goal no longer fits, but pride keeps us attached to it. These may be warning signs but they are not always proof of failure.

A difficult beginning, slow progress, a detour, something unfinished are not necessarily something failed.

So when do we know we failed? Is it when we miss the goal? When the deadline passes? When we stop trying? When the outcome can no longer be changed? Perhaps failure simply means that a particular attempt did not produce the result we wanted. Ya know, the attempt failed. That does not mean the person failed.

Failure is rarely as black and white as the word makes it sound. There are small mistakes, temporary setbacks, experiments that do not work, goals we outgrow, painful losses beyond our control, and decisions with lasting consequences. Yet, we put them all into one frightening container marked FAILURE. They are NOT the same.

Can failure be fixed? Sometimes, I suppose. We may be able to apologize, make amends, change our approach, ask for help, or try again. But, sometimes we cannot fix what happened.

But even when we cannot change the outcome, we can change what happens next. We can also repair our relationship with the experience. Is every failure a learning experience? Nope. At least not automatically.

Failure does not arrive carrying a neatly wrapped lesson. Sometimes it simply hurts. At that point we may be too disappointed, embarrassed, or angry to understand it immediately. The learning begins when we are willing to look honestly at what happened.

What was within my control?

What was never within my control?

Did the goal fail or did the plan need to change?

What would I do differently?

What would I do exactly the same?

Is this asking me to persist, pivot, pause, or let go?

And perhaps the most important question: What am I making this experience mean about me?

Something I tried may have failed.

I may have made a mistake.

I may have fallen short, misjudged, or chosen poorly.

But failure is something I have experienced. It is not who I am.

We do not have to pretend failure is wonderful. We do not have to rush past the disappointment, or force it into an inspiring lesson before we are ready. Nope. We can acknowledge it. Feel it. Examine it. Repair what can be repaired. Release what cannot. And decide what comes next.

Failure may change the plan. It may change the direction. It may even change us. But it does not change our worth.

Failure does not get to define us. But, how we respond to it may help us define ourselves.

💚 The Accidental Blogger