The Fence Has A Gate!

I have been thinking about boundaries. Ya know, setting them, keeping them, AND what happens when someone expects us to move them.

So when I picture my boundaries, I see myself standing in a beautiful open field, with a low fence around me. NOPE, it is NOT an enormous wall. I am not at all hiding from the world. I can and want to see everything on the other side. I can even talk to people. I can love them, help them and remain connected to them. (I think this is really important.) But, know this, my fence is solid).

It has no holes. No broken boards. No convenient little openings for someone to climb through simply because my boundary does not fit them. It does however have a gate. I am the gatekeeper.

That may be the most important thing that I have learned about boundaries. Boundaries do not have to be rigid, but they need to belong to us and we need to control them.

With thoughtfulness we may open the gate when we think circumstances warrant it. We may reconsider an old boundary when it no longer serves us. I believe we may even rebuild part of the fence as we grow and change.

Know this, there is a difference between consciously opening the gate and allowing someone else to knock down the fence.The boundary does not have to always be black and white. But ownership of it does.

I was reminded of this recently while making a medical appointment for my husband. My granddaughter was helping me, and each date the receptionist offered conflicted with work stuff on my calendar. Then she offered a date when I had two personal commitments, LIne Dancing(also known as my self improvement and meeting my demons class) and a hair appointment. My sweet well intentioned ‘Grand’ suggested I could miss one dance class and reschedule the hair. I surprised both of us by saying “Absolutely not”.

The suggestion was not at all unreasonable. It was practical and probably a choice many would make. That may be exactly why it stopped me. Beneath that perfectly innocent suggestion was an assumption many women have lived with for generations. Right?

Our personal commitments are the most movable because they belong only to us. I say whaaaaaaaaaat???

The medical appointment was not urgent, but we in fact had exceeded, by a month or two, the time frame requested by the doctor. I held firm until found a free date and locked in the appointment. I felt like I did not refuse to care for my man. I did not abandon my responsibility to him. I simply refused to erase myself from the calendar when another reasonable choice was available.

Line dancing is not just line dancing.

A hair appointment is not automatically frivolous.

They are commitments I made to myself. Commitments to my movement, crushing my demons, my growth, and my confidence and style and joy.

Perhaps I taught my granddaughter something in that brief moment.

I know I taught myself something.

Many of us, for sure me, are learning at 84 what we deserved to learn at 18. Yup. Our time matters, our commitments count, and caring for others does not require us to disappear.

A boundary is not an act of selfishness. It is a recognition that I also live inside the life that I am working so hard to manage.

My fence has a gate.

I can open it with love, generosity, and intention.

The fence is mine. BUT, SO IS THE GATE.

💚 The Accidental Blogger