Why Does My “NO” Need a Footnote?
By Suz · · 2 min read
Suz notices that no is a very small word until she says it, and that once said it suddenly needs an explanation, a reassuring smile, and possibly even a character witness.
By Suzanne
I have noticed something about the word no. It is very small until I say it. Once said it suddenly needs an explanation, reassuring smile, a brief or not so brief history of my circumstances, and possibly even a character witness.
Apparently, my “no” needs references.
I can say yes with almost no preparation. But no? I start assembling my defense long before anyone has even questioned it.
“I would, but…”
“I am so sorry, it’s just that…”
“Please don’t think…”
Please don’t think what? That I am selfish? Unkind? No longer available for whatever someone else has decided I should do? That last one might be worth sitting with.
I like being helpful. I care about people. And I enjoy being someone others can count on. But somewhere along the way, I seem to have confused being caring with making sure nobody is ever disappointed in me. That is a big job. And the hours are terrible.
Of course, sometimes an explanation is useful. People need information. Plans need adjusting. A little context can be an act of consideration. But I am beginning to notice when my explanation turns into an application for approval.
I have already made my decision. Why am I handing it back for review? Perhaps I am hoping to find the perfect collection of words that will make someone happy about an answer they did not want. I am probably looking for something that does not exist.
People can understand my no and still dislike it.
I can care about their disappointment and still keep my decision. So I am practicing stopping a little sooner.
“Thank you for thinking of me. I am going to pass.”
“I can’t take that on.”
Occasionally, I can feel another paragraph forming. I am certain there is an apology warming up behind it. I am learning to let them remain unwritten. My “NO” can be thoughtful. It can be kind. It can even come with an explanation when I choose. But, I would like to begin treating my own permission as sufficient.
Surely, after all these years, I can be a reliable source on what I am willing to do.
💚 The Accidental Blogger